Alex Wolfe ℘ [Gimli Son of Gloin]

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

[ooc: sent from her iphone, she thought she'd sent it in a text]

The dream has finally happened. Well, one of the dreams. A relatively minor one, but still. I got a new job!!

The long time coveted barista position at the Rainbow Cattle Co. on 305 West 5th Street, is now available and I snagged the shit out of it. I'M FINALLY WORKING IN A GAY BAR. I CAN DIE HAPPY. God Alex, you are such a hag.

First one to come visit me tonight gets a free round!

Wow. I go away for the weekend and you've all become crazy people. What in the hell is going on?

By the way, Rivendell is a great vacation spot. Just saying. I could probably live there for the rest of my life, so if I go away and never come back, ya'll know where to find me. Livin' with the mother fucking elves and shit!

AINSLEY. CLEM. CAIT.

I LOST MY PHONE IN MIDDLE EARTH.

Deacon. This is all your fault. For the love of god, someone get me a new pair of legs.

Oh, Austin, how I've taken you for granted. I am never leaving you again. This is me, clinging to your very figurative ankle.

On that note, is the camping trip still on for this weekend? I'll go, but I won't be happy about it. And I'll be very, very drunk the entire time.

Well, this is just peachy. Truth drugs in the water? Isn't that just fucking perfect. Gimli never had to deal with this so we have no idea what to do, but whatever, it's not like I ever drink water anyway. Maybe once a week. Not like I have any secrets anyway? Not really. I've always been of the opinion that it's better to be completely open rather then not at all. Though that's a bit hypocritical of me, isn't it?

Water and then lots and loootss of booze. It's how I get by, you know? It's how I deal with the incredibly pathetic existence that is my incredibly pathetic life. I'm twenty-five years old, I even went to college and yet I'm still a waitress. I've never moved out of my own home town, and I fuck around with anyone with a pair of testicles. But you know what? I'm comfortable this way. I like my life this way, it's so much easier then the even worse alternative. Caring.

Why? Because my dad tried to rape me when I was sixteen, so if you're looking for a reason for why Alex Wolfe is the way she is, there it is. You'll never fucking hurt me, 'cos I won't ever give you the fucking chance.

... Apparently that one glass of water was enough. Whatever, it's not like I fucking care. I don't need anyone's pity, because I'm just fucking fine. Judge me all you want, I'll happily tell you to go fuck yourself.

So I woke up this morning in Mexico. Huh. Don't exactly know how that happened.

I may or may not have actually hopped the border, I'm really not sure. Viva la Revolucion?

( Ainsley )

So. I've never been in the habit of name dropping but uh, Alfred. Hitchcock.

Possibly shouldn't have led with, 'Loved the remake of Rear Window, Shia Labeouf is a regulation hottie'. I'm honestly not sure which part of that sentence confused him more.

Deacon, darling. I do believe the Doc would be highly interested in this turn of events. Also, you should come to Romania with me this summer.

Last night some prick in a polo thought the best way to get me into bed was to quote Romeo and Juliet to me over a bowl of beer nuts. How romantic. All he got was his bill and a swift kick to the balls. Word to the wise? A couple of pimply faced teenagers who killed themselves on a temper tantrum because shit wasn't going their way does not get the ladies pants damp, not anymore.

On that note, Clem, darling. It was lovely to see you, we should really do it more often.

Ainsley? How you doin', mamma.

Wow, you know it was a wild weekend when it's Tuesday and you're still somewhat in recovery! By the way Ty, thanks for being the voice of reason and saving my ass from falling to my death... Climbing Moonlight Tower seemed like a good idea at the time but in reality, you probably shouldn't even try it when you're sober.

Good birthday Cait, excellent way to ring in your twenty-fifth. And, I'm not entirely sure, but I think we may have gotten even crazier post-college...

And apparently there aren't actually any witches in Salem. Who knew?

Gimli's all freaked out now that his ax is water damaged from all that pool party fun. The big baby. It survived multiple bloody battles in Middle Earth and he's worried about a little water? Get with the program, dwarf, the ax completed the bikini ensemble.

Arrrrrr, if I had any contro- Well, you don't!

( Reeve )

LIAM. Those are the most gorgeous fucking shoes I've ever seen. !!! You are the best brother ever.

People? My brother Liam is the best brother ever.

In other news, last night I reverted back to middle school and consented to a game of 'Never Have I Ever' with a group of drunken hill billies. Shockingly, I wasn't the one to lose, as I've never been arrested. How is that possible? I've been drunk and disorderly in public enough that I should have been.

Deacon, have you been keeping up with the news lately? I do believe we have some entirely new places to explore...

So. You guys are probably going to think I'm nuts. And most likely will think it was because I was drunk, but I swear to god. I was in Jersey last night and I pretty much walked right into a freakishly abandoned city that was decidedly not New Jersey. But it was in Jersey? It wasn't the alcohol!! I wasn't even seven beers deep.

What. The Fuck.

Who needs a boyfriend when you have an awesome brother who gives you diamond earrings? WIN!

V. shiny. We likes it precious.

Someone come out with me tonight! I'm bored. Texas is boring. And the karaoke bars are getting downright scary. If I hear one more off-key rendition of 'I Like Big Butts', I just might shoot myself!

... It bodes ill that this would be my thirteenth post. Deacon? I think we've been cursed.

Just for the record, anyone who's reading this, I'm pretty sure the entirety of New Orleans is some fucked up haunted shit.

Les? We are never setting foot in Galveston, Texas. Never. I'm pretty sure I just saw the ghost of Pirate Jean Lafitte. Well, it's possible it was just a trash can. But you know how ghosts and trash cans start to look really similar...

eek!

Edit: By the way, Liam, you're not under house arrest anymore. Love you!

((sent from her iPhone))

My brother is a horrible, horrible influence on me. I am never idly surfing the internet again. Though, I actually did find this website rather funny. That is until the very end of this particular one... Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.

Les, we need a drink stat!

I don't think he likes flowers, but if any one who knows my brother wants to send him something while he's still confined to a hospital bed, feel free.

And if you're looking for details, unless you know me, you very well might not get them so just shut the fuck up about it. Liam was in a car accident, but he's alive and on the mend sort of, so that's that.

I don't think I've actually slept in the last forty-eight hours, jesus shit I need to sleep

Hope everyone had a happy St. Patrick's Day?

( Jason )

People really are going mad these days, aren't they. Who the fuck is 'the White Witch' and why was she PMSing all over the boards? I think I may need a drink or twelve.

( Les )

Fellow Fellowship: There's been a hobbit sighting!

( Ainsley )